Freddie and Nancy are getting a divorce and they’re fighting over the terms. Suddenly Freddie wins the lottery and he must hide it from Nancy so she can’t finagle it from him in the divorce. He turns to his loving uncle Leon, a fancy jeweller. He asks him to hide the money. BIG MISTAKE. Turns out uncle Leon is totally broke.
Uncle Leon plans a big party and dresses up like King George. Freddie can’t go because he’s chimp sitting. Leon sneaks out, drowns Freddie and then goes back to party. Here’s the real twist though- Freddie’s wife helps him out. THEY ARE HAVING AN AFFAIR.
Columbo shows up at 31 minutes and 13 seconds and he’s speaking to a chimp. The columboid is chimp fingerprints on a King George medallion.
In this episode we learn that Mrs Columbo paid $80 for a footstool made of coffee cans, it’s Columbo’s 25th wedding anniversary and his wife has 2 ears.
During this episode I just watched this episode.
Sunday, 28 July 2013
Season 10, Episode 3- Columbo and the Murder of a Rock Star
A man and woman in the prime of their lives and height of their passion enjoy sexual congress. Another man watches a secret tape of it. She’s a famous rock star and she’s having an affair. Her corrupt lawyer life partner has planted secret cameras and now he’s out for revenge. He poisons her champagne and frames her knucklehead lover.
Columbo shows up at 19 minutes and 50 seconds. It turns out the lawyer’s assistant knows he did the murder and now she’s insisting on a promotion and a marriage proposal and a re-decoration of the office. He wearily complies like a poor downtrodden man.
The columboid is a paper mask. It is completely and utterly stupid. It kind of made me angry.
Little Richard is in this episode. I can’t understand the noise that comes from his mouth.
In this episode we learn that Coiumbo likes peanut butter and raisin sandwiches.
During this episode I ate cheese.
Columbo shows up at 19 minutes and 50 seconds. It turns out the lawyer’s assistant knows he did the murder and now she’s insisting on a promotion and a marriage proposal and a re-decoration of the office. He wearily complies like a poor downtrodden man.
The columboid is a paper mask. It is completely and utterly stupid. It kind of made me angry.
Little Richard is in this episode. I can’t understand the noise that comes from his mouth.
In this episode we learn that Coiumbo likes peanut butter and raisin sandwiches.
During this episode I ate cheese.
Wednesday, 24 July 2013
Season 10, Episode 2- Caution: Murder Can Be Hazardous to your Health
George Hamilton is Wade Anders, the anchor of a Crime Watch-esque show called CRIME ALERT (caps mine). Some guy called Budd wants to be the anchor and he’s prepared to use blackmail to get what he wants. Turns out old Wade was in a ‘skin flick’ with an under aged girl back in the day. If this gets out he’ll be ruined. There’s only one solution- KILLING (caps mine). So he poisons Budd’s cigarettes and sits back and relaxes.
Relaxes until Columbo shows up at 26 minutes and 40 seconds. Columbo bumbles around but he knows who the guilty party is and he won’t stop until he’s pestered him into confessing.
The columboid is dog scratches and trimmed hedges.
During this episode we learn that Columbo has had the same barber for 20 years, his wife would like it if he was sexier and he needs a tape deck in his car.
I created a stink during this episode.
Relaxes until Columbo shows up at 26 minutes and 40 seconds. Columbo bumbles around but he knows who the guilty party is and he won’t stop until he’s pestered him into confessing.
The columboid is dog scratches and trimmed hedges.
During this episode we learn that Columbo has had the same barber for 20 years, his wife would like it if he was sexier and he needs a tape deck in his car.
I created a stink during this episode.
Season 10, Episode 1- Columbo Goes to College
Gary Hershberger is Cooper, a rich college guy with a range rover and a tennis kit. The stupid bastard has gotten 3 girls pregnant in 18 months and isn’t academically gifted. His dad isn’t happy, anymore of this nonsense and he’s out. His creepy friend Justin helps him cheat on tests, maybe Justin is in love with him? I don’t know.
One of their professors knows they are big rich kid cheaters and he’s going to tell on them. But Professor Spragger isn’t so squeaky clean himself. He’s having an affair with the football coach’s wife. Cooper and Justin know and they’re going to use it against him. But also they will kill him.
Columbo shows up at 14 minutes and 40 seconds to give a lecture on crime fighting. And why the hell not? As far as I can see he has a 100% murder solving record. Cooper and Justin have rigged the Professor’s car so with a remote control gun. So as they kick back and listen to Columbo they can also shoot their nemesis in the head. Bad luck for them that Columbo is on the scene though. These guys are real nasty pieces of work and try to frame the security guard’s no good brother. Robert Culp (huzzah!) shows up as Justin’s dad and patronises Columbo.
The Columboid is his wife’s car. And entrapment.
In this episode we learn that Columbo’s wife wants to burn his suit, his wife’s niece is called Annette and he gets a lot of offers on his car.
During this episode I re-assessed my life.
One of their professors knows they are big rich kid cheaters and he’s going to tell on them. But Professor Spragger isn’t so squeaky clean himself. He’s having an affair with the football coach’s wife. Cooper and Justin know and they’re going to use it against him. But also they will kill him.
Columbo shows up at 14 minutes and 40 seconds to give a lecture on crime fighting. And why the hell not? As far as I can see he has a 100% murder solving record. Cooper and Justin have rigged the Professor’s car so with a remote control gun. So as they kick back and listen to Columbo they can also shoot their nemesis in the head. Bad luck for them that Columbo is on the scene though. These guys are real nasty pieces of work and try to frame the security guard’s no good brother. Robert Culp (huzzah!) shows up as Justin’s dad and patronises Columbo.
The Columboid is his wife’s car. And entrapment.
In this episode we learn that Columbo’s wife wants to burn his suit, his wife’s niece is called Annette and he gets a lot of offers on his car.
During this episode I re-assessed my life.
Monday, 13 May 2013
Season 9, Episode 6- Murder in Malibu
Wayne is a young stud on the scene, sleeping with rich older women. He claims to have fallen for lady novelist Teresa. Her sister Jess is some kind of agent and likes to meddle in Teresa’s business. Teresa announces on TV that she will marry Wayne but later that night she calls to say she hates him and the wedding is off. Mixed messages lady. He drives over and shoots her.
Columbo shows up at 18 minutes and 19 seconds and he cracks the case wide open. Turns out that when Wayne shot her she was already dead. Her jealous sister did the actual killing.
The columboid is knickers. Actual knickers, on the wrong way round.
Things we learn about Columbo: he has a brother who is one year and 7 months younger than him, he has an older brother and can impersonate his voice.
During this episode I re-arranged my books. I have 521 of them. It made me sweat.
Columbo shows up at 18 minutes and 19 seconds and he cracks the case wide open. Turns out that when Wayne shot her she was already dead. Her jealous sister did the actual killing.
The columboid is knickers. Actual knickers, on the wrong way round.
Things we learn about Columbo: he has a brother who is one year and 7 months younger than him, he has an older brother and can impersonate his voice.
During this episode I re-arranged my books. I have 521 of them. It made me sweat.
Season 9, Episode 5- Uneasy Lies the Crown
Wesley is a dentist working for his father in law. He’s terrible at both dentistry and son in lawing. His meal ticket wife Lydia wants to divorce him so he puts some of her heart medication in her lover’s filling. This lover happens to be a big movie star called Adam Evans. Adam goes to see Lydia and to do some loving, Wesley knows what's going on. After the magaritas and the love Adam drops dead. Lydia is pretty distraught. Wesley comes back, covers it all up and makes it look like a car accident but plants enough evidence to suggest she might have done it.
Columbo comes along at 24 minutes and 7 seconds. He has to explain how he is a police lieutenant. He fakes tooth problems, digs out an old chemistry set, does general shuffling about and annoys people.
The columboid is fake chemistry.
Things we learn about Columbo: he’s never had a chance to use his siren, his coat doesn’t have a lining, he takes a touch of cream in his coffee, he had a tee total cousin that got hit by a bakery truck and he’s been on the force for 22 years.
During this episode I ate chocolate and guiness cake. Because I’m a decadent son of a gun.
Columbo comes along at 24 minutes and 7 seconds. He has to explain how he is a police lieutenant. He fakes tooth problems, digs out an old chemistry set, does general shuffling about and annoys people.
The columboid is fake chemistry.
Things we learn about Columbo: he’s never had a chance to use his siren, his coat doesn’t have a lining, he takes a touch of cream in his coffee, he had a tee total cousin that got hit by a bakery truck and he’s been on the force for 22 years.
During this episode I ate chocolate and guiness cake. Because I’m a decadent son of a gun.
Sunday, 12 May 2013
Season 9, Episode 4- Rest in Peace Mrs Columbo
There’s a funeral and a voice over. Columbo shows up at a mere 32 seconds. What the heck is going on here then? I’ll tell you what, it’s Mrs Columbo’s funeral. WHAT?
Cut to flashback. Vivienne Dimitri is an estate agent in a sports car. She’s having an affair with Lovejoy, except he’s not a loveable antiques dealer here. He’s something else. So, it turns out Vivienne’s husband was some top financial guy, who stole a client’s money, killed the client, went to prison then died of a heart attack. She blames her boss for this so she kills him. With a gun. Then goes on a date with Lovejoy. They do sex in an anonymous room with the lights off.
It turns out she also blames Columbo for her husband’s imprisonment and death. As he investigates the murder she gives him jars of marmalade to slowly poison his wife. He tells her she’s died of a heart attack but it’s all a lie. He knew all along that she was a crazy killer and Mrs Columbo is alive and kicking! Huzzah! The columboid is once again basically entrapment.
Things we learn about Columbo: he’s been married 28 or 29 years next January, he never bets, his wife likes marmalade but her prefers a smooth jam, he likes Gary Cooper, Louis Armstrong and Mark Twain, his wife plays the piano but not well, he never had children but looked after his sister Ruth’s kid’s, he walks the dog 5 times a day and he doesn’t have a dentist. That’s a lot of stuff.
I feel as if someone wanted this to the Citizen Kane of Columbos. But it's better than that because it's not boring and it's in colour.
During this episode I ate Chinese food and drank fizzy pop.
Cut to flashback. Vivienne Dimitri is an estate agent in a sports car. She’s having an affair with Lovejoy, except he’s not a loveable antiques dealer here. He’s something else. So, it turns out Vivienne’s husband was some top financial guy, who stole a client’s money, killed the client, went to prison then died of a heart attack. She blames her boss for this so she kills him. With a gun. Then goes on a date with Lovejoy. They do sex in an anonymous room with the lights off.
It turns out she also blames Columbo for her husband’s imprisonment and death. As he investigates the murder she gives him jars of marmalade to slowly poison his wife. He tells her she’s died of a heart attack but it’s all a lie. He knew all along that she was a crazy killer and Mrs Columbo is alive and kicking! Huzzah! The columboid is once again basically entrapment.
Things we learn about Columbo: he’s been married 28 or 29 years next January, he never bets, his wife likes marmalade but her prefers a smooth jam, he likes Gary Cooper, Louis Armstrong and Mark Twain, his wife plays the piano but not well, he never had children but looked after his sister Ruth’s kid’s, he walks the dog 5 times a day and he doesn’t have a dentist. That’s a lot of stuff.
I feel as if someone wanted this to the Citizen Kane of Columbos. But it's better than that because it's not boring and it's in colour.
During this episode I ate Chinese food and drank fizzy pop.
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